Funeral Words

Hello my friends, peace be with you.

Last spring I asked Brian to go with me to pick out a new suit. I needed an expert on coordinating clothing, and who better to ask. A man who can coordinate his clothing all the way down to his shoelaces has got to be good. This was the first suit he saw, and it certainly works for me. Trading in the old stuff for a better look and fit.

Over the years I knew Brian he grew and changed, exchanging old ways for new, walking on the path to becoming the man God created him to be.

When I first met Brian he swept me off my feet. He was so charming. His infectious smile would have melted an iceberg it was so warm. He was my first true love. He showed me what being a man and being gay was all about. It was as much a part of him as his mustache, and was nothing to be ashamed of. We laughed, cried, loved, and argued. He tormented me by constantly having a camera in his hand taking photographs, and playing his new CD’s over and over. It was wild and fun, but alcohol had its way with us both.

Alcoholics Anonymous opened the door to a new life. Brian got sober, met a very tough sponsor named Wally who helped Brian face the reality of life. Brian truly lived the AA saying “One day at a time.” He understood that living sober meant more than just not drinking. It meant living a spiritual life, striving for serenity, and trying to be of service to others. Brian began to live selflessly, not selfishly.

Brian spoke to me often about his conversations with God. They were very close you know. He’d tell me how God was constantly showing him the way to go, especially when Brian was clueless about what was next. We all have our ways to God, but I did envy his connection with the Creator.

Brian, as many of you probably know, was a little difficult to get a hold of. I know he left his answering machine full on purpose. But if I needed him, he would be there. He was the one I called when I was in an accident last year. He was the voice of reason when my mind and emotions were racing. My ex partner Michael used to say Brian was like Mr. Spock on Star Trek. Well if that’s the case I must be Captain Kirk, because Brian was always there to help me figure things out.

Since this April it seems we switched roles. His world turned upside down. I had a chance to give him the support he needed, and an ear to bend. He was amazed how I could listen to him for hours, but how could you not want to listen to Brian. Brian showed such strength even when things seemed so confusing.
Brian’s battle with cancer came to an end quicker than I expected, but I am sure he was more than ready. This past Monday I knelt and held his hand and whispered the 23rd psalm that William was reading out loud. I felt his spirit gently slip away as the prayer ended, a light and airy feeling. I sensed the joy of Brian’s release from this world. So now he’s changed again, and I’m sure he’s looking fine in a much better suit than he picked out for me.



I’d like to end with some lyrics Brian loved from the song “Will You Be There?” by Michael Jackson.


In our darkest hour
In my deepest despair
Will you still care?
Will you be there?

In my trials
And my tribulations
Through our doubts
And frustrations

In my violence
In my turbulence
Through my fear
And my confessions

In my anguish and my pain
Through my joy and my sorrow
In the promise of another tomorrow

I’ll never let you part
For your always in my heart.

God Bless,


Mudger

Leaving the skin

I saw my friend off today. He left this world in peace. I held his hand, looked into his eyes, and watched his last breath empty his body. Tears of joy and sorrow mixed together coursing down my face with the knowing of his leaving.

A shell of Brian left on the bed. His physical presence lingering as his spirit journeys on. I stood by him until the end as the undertaker wrapped his body and put it in a bag. His bodies final steps ahead.

I have grieved in many ways many times the past 6 months. I look forward to relasing the rest very soon. The details of helping others find peace in ceremony must come first.

Good night world. Good night Brian. Watch over me my friend. It will be hard without you here.

Peace and joy to us all,
Mudger